I’m going through a rough season in motherhood.
It’s called sleep deprivation and it’s insane on all levels! My son is now almost 10 months and still doesn’t sleep through the night.....ever! He has been waking every 2-3 hours for months and napping very rarely. I’m beyond exhausted and can’t even begin to explain what it’s done to my mental and emotional health. Especially now with this pandemic going on and being forced to stay home more, I’ve lost my “get away” “me time” moments. I can no longer go to bible study or see friends, or attend church. I had 3 mornings a week with friends and God and no Jedidiah. Now don’t get me wrong I love my son more than words can say but you moms know what I mean when you have not one minute that is yours. Maybe an extra long “bathroom” break is as good as it gets sometimes. Sometimes I’m not even sure who I am or what I’m doing anymore. I am so grateful for WW (weight watchers) because being in control of my food and weight is the one thing I get for myself right now. It’s a constant topic with me but it’s my only outlet of something that’s mine, for now.
Well last Friday my mother finally told me to stop trying to force bedtime on Jedi and let it go. Let him get tired and then try. I was so stressed over my husband’s sleep schedule for work that I was trying to force the same time on my son and just ending up beyond frustrated when it would take two hours to get him down. So we stayed up til almost 10pm playing in the living room and watching movies. He eventually got tired and he went to bed. He slept 4 hours straight, had a night feed and back to bed for another 4 hours and again the morning! For 3 days in a row it went like this! Calm nights, good sleep and quiet mornings with the Lord on my patio all the while my son slept! I remember getting up every morning and praising God and sitting down to listen to the birds outside and spend time in the word! He was a great and awesome God! Then Monday hit and my husband goes back to work Tuesday’s and for some reason Jedi wouldn’t sleep. It took forever to get him down and when he did he was up every hour! The moment he woke up I remember a curse word slipping from my lips and mumbled angry thoughts along with it. Angry at my son, angry at myself for not knowing what to do, angry at my husband for sleeping and angry at God for giving me a sleepless child. What had changed between the good night and the bad? Certainly not my God for He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8). I knew in my mind it wasn’t me, I had done everything the same the night before! It had to be my darn upstairs neighbors making all the racket they do at 9 at night! So I cursed them too and rolled my eyes and sat feeding my son on the couch in anger and tiredness. Why was God not the same great God I had praised just hours before? Why had I blamed Him at the first sign of trouble? He never said it would be easy but he said he has already overcome the world (John 16:33).
So today my son went down for 2 naps! I was in disbelief. But I spent both of them in the word, doing my bible study homework and also a Holy Week devotional. I was sitting on the living room floor and tears started rolling down my face as I realized a connection between the Lord and I. This was the roughest week of Jesus’s life, knowing his friends would betray him, his very people, he would be killed brutally all to save those very people and you and I! And here I was going through what I thought was one of my roughest weeks too. It hit me, this was the first time in 3 days that I had spent time in the word, with God at all for that matter. I was too tired and my son wants to grab everything so I couldn’t possibly have my bible and notebooks out while he’s awake because it’s an annoyance. It’s hard to focus and keep him away from them at the same time. So I put it aside and don’t get around to it and then came the rough nights and the cursing because I pushed God aside instead of pulling him closer. All I keep hearing is “even if you don’t Lord...” I will praise you even if you don’t make it possible for a good nights sleep or perfect conditions for bible study or being in the word. I will praise you even when I don’t get a minute to myself or if my son doesn’t get a nap. I know sometimes there’s nothing I can do and I’m supposed to lean on the Lord and not get caught up in the fix it mindset, I know he’s a baby and some parents never sleep again but I want to be the mother you want me to be and not the angry grump on the couch at 2am. I want to praise you even if you don’t Lord!
So I wanna end with a prayer for those of us who want and need it:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please be with us mothers who need guidance and sleep! Please let our sons and daughters learn to sleep through the night and help us sleep in return. But Lord even if you don’t, let us be mothers who still praise you as we wake through the night. For babies, for even an hours sleep, for time spent with our little ones, for more alone time with you! Thank you Jesus for laying down your life for us even when we didn’t for you. We love you Jesus and we praise your holy name.
Amen
