Happy New Year!

2019, I think I can pretty much say I’ve done it all this year. Married, moved, had a baby. We’ve been through lots of emotions this year, that at times were slow but also zoomed by! It’s crazy to look back and see where we started and how far we’ve come and reflect on it all. 

It started with our wedding! January 19th will be our first wedding anniversary! I can’t believe how long ago this feels. Sometimes I feel like it’s yesterday and others it feels years ago! It was one of the best days of my life! I remember getting there early and getting ready with all my girls and family! Getting into my dress and feeling like a gorgeous new woman. Also almost passing out from how high my shoes were haha! The moment I stepped into the aisle I cried as I saw my handsome husband waiting for me in front of all our friends and family. The ceremony was quick but perfect none the less, then we celebrated with the dinner, music and toasts. 

The next day we headed off to our honeymoon in Monterey and has a wonderful time. A foot massage, food on the wharf and crepes for breakfast! Then my first time to Santa Cruz and finding a great hole in the wall Chinese restaurant on the way home! 

I was also 4 months pregnant at this time so we finally announced that our little Jedi was on the way! 

In March we went to Disneyland with the in laws. It was our first trip there as a couple and my first time in about 10 years! It was so much fun and seeing cars land was a dream come true! 

In May we found our apartment and moved in! It was my first time moving away from my mom and living with a boy haha! It was a crazy transition for me, one being away from my mom, not seeing her everyday and two I was 8 months pregnant while trying to set up a new household 3 weeks before I was due! 

June 14th after a long, hard night of labor, our little Jedidiah was born! That was such a great and crazy experience! 4 hours of pushing just to be taken for a csection, but all worth it to hold this little boy in my arms! 

Since then we’ve shared so many firsts with this little man including Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas! As well as church and bible study and trips to the zoo and storyland! We’ve been all over the town and even out of town with this little fella! 

Chris and I got to go back to Disneyland for one last trip by ourselves til we take Jedi next! We visited galaxy’s edge and had a wonderful time being transported into Star Wars world! We took selfies with storm troopers, watches chewie fix a ship, drank blue milk, visited the cantina and flew the millennium falcon! 

We’ve done and experienced so many things this year but none more precious than time with family and friends! 

I have lots of goals for this new year ahead! I’m excited to get back in shape with the help of WW and can’t wait to start a new bible study season! Of course there’s more firsts for Jedi including his first birthday and I’m praying that I’m the best mom and wife I can be! 

I can’t believe how fast this year has gone! Here’s to a new decade, New Year and New day! 

Happy New Year! 

Mary Did You Know?

It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m sitting in bed, while my son is asleep next to me and being kindly haunted by this song. It’s been following me this year more than ever, because this year I am a mom. It’s always been an emotional song for me, as I always wanted to be a mom and just the lyrics alone are so touching and thought provoking. 

Mary did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?

Mary did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?

This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?

Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God

That last line always gets me! To know that your son is the son of God. Did she kiss his face like an everyday thing or did she constantly kiss him with wonder? My son isn’t Jesus but he is a son of God and I kiss his face with wonder and amazement, that I even get to have him. She must’ve seen the difference in him between other kids. She was told by the angel but to experience herself and to be pregnant with him and birth him, must’ve been so much more than the angel could prepare her for. Did she know her son was always meant to die for her? We always talk about how horrible it is for kids to leave this world before their parents, her son was always meant to go before her. How heartbreaking and yet so amazing knowing He was also her savior! I can’t imagine being her. If I knew that about my son would I have been able to let him go through with it? I don’t think I could, just looking at my son now, and then imagine how much better Jesus was! She was a strong woman, I’ll tell you that. I just love this song and how it really makes you think about Christ’s birth in a different way and brings new joy to Christmas. 

It’s also brought new things to my attention about my own son. Maybe we had a son to help us see Jesus in a new light this year. To experience the newness of His love once again as refreshment. I wasn’t expecting a son and didn’t know how I’d do with it but the moment I heard his little cry I knew there was something special about him! I knew he had a purpose and a plan set out for him by God and I’m just glad He chose me to be his mom, to kiss his face in wonder! 

So thank you Lord for Sending your son to a wonderful strong woman to be His mother! 

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus! 

Jeremiah 17:14

Heal me, Lord , and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

Jeremiah 17:14 

I am sick. 

I am sick for the first time since Jedidiah was born. 

I have not experienced til now what it's like to be extra tired, from illness, and still take care of the baby and household. 

I have these crazy expectations of myself, as I'm sure most mother's do, that no one put on me, but they're still there. I have to have dinner done at a certain time, I need the laundry done, and the dishes and general cleanup and the baby fed at the right times and in bed and everyone quiet and asleep at the correct time. It's exhausting when I'm healthy, but even more so when I'm sick. 

I think God lets us get sick to remind us to slow down and spend some time with Him. To remember what life is about and who we are living for. And everything we do, we should do it to the glory of the Lord and not for the expectations of others or ourselves. 

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

So I found I had to give in a little this week and let the house be a mess and not finish the laundry and make easier dinners to get through the sickness. And you know what I found was I had more peace. I wasn't so stressed over dinners and I didn't worry about the laundry that's been sitting clean on the dryer, unfolded, and the baby was bathed and fed without worry. I still stressed about bedtime but I always stress at bedtime. Although lately our son has been going to bed very well and sleeping through the night but this week there has been a few struggles on getting to sleep later than usual. I also missed my beloved bible study group this week as I didn't want to get everyone else sick. It was a hard thing to miss but I much appreciated the extra sleep and rest we got as well. 

So although my physical body is in shambles, The Lord healed me in my mind. He gave me some peace about my crazy expectations of myself and let me off the hook a little. 

Whether you're healthy or dangling with 102 fever, let yourself off the hook and experience the peace of The Lord. He will heal you anyway you need it! 

What's in mommy's bag?

I've been feeling so bogged down and stressed lately, I thought it would be nice to do a semi-fun post. 

So here's a picture of what's in my purse/mommy bag. I decided to do one bag for myself because it was too much to have a separate diaper bag for everyday use. I do sometimes want a slightly bigger bag but I am so partial to my star wars Disney backpack because of my son, Jedi, that I can't make myself change it yet haha! 

First up is the backpack. I got it in Disneyland just before my son was born. It was too cute not to get it. Our son is Jedidiah but he goes by Jedi, so you can see why I would need it! It's not super big but also not too small for everyday use. I also really love having a backpack so I'm handsfree for baby. 

The first big thing I have is our changing pad. It's the skip hop changing station, we received from my niece. I have just unzipped the diaper clutch part and folded it up to fit in my bag. It's great for changing anywhere on the go! And believe me I've changed my son on tables in restaurants because they didn't have tables in the restrooms! I can't believe how many places don't have them, but that's besides the point. 

Then I carry a ziplock of diapers and wipes, just keeps everything clean without having too much package bulk. We also carry extra ziplocks to the doctor because we aren't allowed to throw them away at our pediatricians office. We use hello hello products and love them! 

I always carry an extra outfit too just in case of blowouts or random pukes. Just whatever is clean at the moment, which in this pic happens to be his cowboys outfit, from one of his many aunt's! Whoo! 

I also have my date book for doctor's appointments and my checkbook just in case and of course my wallet and keys. And a foldup reusable bags for random shopping trips. A bag of random change and a dried up wet wipes, which I used to dry my tears the other day, when I couldn't find tissue. Haha! Don't act like you haven't done it! 

In my small pocket, I carry pens and highlighters for bible study. A booger sucker, which I never hardly need and an Altoids container with ibuprofen. Some lipsticks, cause hey I still want to be pretty! Some nipple cream just in case and the best thing, gas drops! Mylicon or any brand of gas drops are a life saver for our son. He had such problems in the beginning and these helped soooo much! Now we use em just a couple times a day and before bed. But if you are suffering from no sleep go try them! You can get them for $4 at Walmart! 

So that's a look into my mommy bag, any products you can't leave the house without? 

Psalm 139:14

For you formed my inward parts; 
 you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Psalm 139:14

Pregnancy can take you from one extreme to the next, with your body and the way you view your body. 

Personally I felt gorgeous my entire pregnancy until the last couple weeks. I know not everyone feels this way, but I had never felt so beautiful.

It's after pregnancy that I'm having trouble loving my body. 

I was on a roll right after delivery. I lost all my baby weight in 3 weeks tops. It just fell off. I did no special dieting, infact I was eating everything in sight and I was feeling pretty good. Then about 2 months in I started gaining again. It is pretty shocking since you always hear how breastfeeding helps you lose so much weight, but lately the opposite is true for me. It's so difficult to see the scale go so low, just to watch it go back up. It's also frustrating because lately it seems I'm starving at all hours of everyday. I can't seem to get enough, so I can only assume I'm not eating the right things to fill me up. So I've decided to try and rework my diet while still keeping up milk supply. Also it's time to get walking, it has just been so hot this summer and I've been so tired I haven't been able to push myself to excercise at all. 

All that is well and good but how do you learn to love yourself in the process? How do we look at the outer shell and see the woman inside? God says we are perfect. We are exactly as HE wanted us. Why can we not feel that acceptance? How do we stay grounded while we step into the truth? Let me know if you find the answer, I'm still working on it myself. 

I felt so wonderfully beautiful while big bellied and full of glow, but now all I see is the same chunky girl I was before with a new scar that hides under a numb piece of flab. When the pounds were shedding I thought that body was beautiful and strong for what it had overcome but now as the scale rises I'm that self conscious girl again. 

All we can do as mother's is look to God and the truth HE says of us! Look to our children and husband's and see ourselves through their eyes. My son looks at me with such great awe and I think it's a glimpse of how our Lord sees us. We need to love our bodies and give ourselves time to recover. It took 9 months to carry a baby, it won't take a mere 9 days to bounce back. The world tells us to be back up and running the next day but we need to look upon the Lord and let his love become our own for ourselves. 

Love YOU, Mama!

7-8 months pregnant

2 weeks post partum

Deuteronomy 31:6

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

8:16pm on a Friday, summer evening, our precious boy was born! 

It was a rough night, I had been sent home twice in the last few days, from the ER, as I wasn't progressing enough according to their standards. So Thursday night, around 1 am, we got home from a long brutal ER trip. No sympathy, and the on call Nurse Practitioner was no help whatsoever, so I sat in the living room of my apartment and yelled in distress for 7 hours. I tried baths and every position I could think of to stop the pain but nothing helped. I cried out to God I don't know how many times, and it felt like He had forgotten me. I prayed and begged for Him to save me. I'm a slight hypochondriac, so on top of already being super scared of delivery, it felt as though I was for sure going to die. Finally after checking the clock every 2 minutes or so, 7am came around. My poor husband had been listening and praying for me all night. I get weird when I'm hurting and having anxiety, I need to be alone to figure things out myself. He came out to help me call my doctor, she had said we would set up a scheduled C-section if nothing progressed more, so we were waiting to call her. We decided instead to go see her, so we went to the office and I waited in the car as my husband went to explain the situation. They called me from the car and told me to head straight in and get checked again, so we drove off to the hospital at 9am. 

We headed straight to the maternity triage and as I was trying to get changed into the hideous hospital gown, a contraction came on again. They had been 1-2 minutes apart all night. I know you're probably thinking I should've went back in earlier, but they were this close together when I was sent home too, so I didn't think anything of that. When I let out a yell for my contraction, 5 nurses ran to my side. They were all doing something different to and around me. My mind was racing when I heard the nurse say the most beautiful words, "You're at a 6 1/2."

And then the next most beautiful words "Would you like an epidural?"

Um YES PLEASE!

For those of you who don't like drugs or who wanted to give birth naturally, that's great for you and I'm happy you went by your own plan, so did I, so let's be respectful of each other.

They wheeled me into my room and within 20 minutes had my epidural and was feeling great. I had a great anesthesiologist and the best delivery nurse! I quickly went from the 6 to a 10 and was ready to push. It was such a great experience. I know that sounds weird, but my nurse tried lots of positions with me and was so sweet and calming. I wasn't scared at all, we basically just chilled and had crazy conversations, between pushes. My nurse did have to take a break to pump, as she had just had a baby herself a few months before. So I got 2 replacement nurses for a bit, which was not the greatest. One was learning and they kept talking and explaining things the whole time and at one point made me very nervous. They were talking about posterior something, which meant the baby was facing the wrong way in the womb. Facing out instead of the back. So I asked them if that was my baby and they acted as if they didn't know, but in that secretive way where you know they're talking about you.
I was feeling more nervous when my nurse returned and we still weren't seeing baby's head, after 4 hours. That's when the on call doctor came to tell me we needed to proceed with a c-section or the vacuum.  Well it took me by complete surprise, because I had never had major surgery and I had seen way too many movies of women dying on the table. I knew I had to do the c-section as the vacuum would've caused physical problems to both baby and I. I was so nervous and scared but my nurse helped calm me as she too had had a c-section and she showed me her scar, which looked quite good after only 7 months.

So they began prepping me for surgery and wheeled me into the O.R. The anesthesiologist explained the procedure to me and administered more drugs through my iv. The doctor walked in and said we were ready to start and I began to panic, since they hadn't let my husband back in the room yet. The anesthesiologist must have seen the look on my face because he quickly explained that the doctor had already tried a sharp instrument on me and I didn't respond, so they knew it was safe to begin. As the doctor began to cut, I felt my husband grab my hand, and I relaxed a little. I tried to calm myself but being awake during a c-section is soooooo weird and gross feeling. You can feel everything, not the pain, but all the cutting motions and the pulling. At one point when they were really pulling my son out, I felt like my lungs were going to collapse, but then it was over and I heard my son cry for the first time! The moment my ears heard him, I burst into tears. My heart instantly changed from one second to the next. When he was inside me, sure I loved him and I couldn't wait to be his mom, but the moment I heard him, that love grew even more as it all became so much realer. My heart was aching as I waited to see my boy. You don't get them right away during a c-section. They have to close you up and make sure baby is ok and they gave him to my husband til I could have him. We had to go to recovery for a couple hours before going to our room, and all the while our families were waiting to see us, before going home for the night. I was texting everyone from the recovery room and my mom said they were in the cafeteria eating dinner when they heard the nursery chimes go off for our son. We heard that chime many times during our 3 day hospital stay, and every time my heart burst with love remembering that same chime went off for our boy. While in recovery, I finally got to have my boy skin to skin and get him to latch for his first feeding! It was the greatest feeling to finally hold the boy who had been growing inside me for so long. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was and how amazing it felt to finally be a mom. My mom met us in the hallway on the way to our room as visiting hours were over, but we needed to see each other after having surgery. The next 3 days were a blur of nurses and medications and lots of visitors and precious time with our son and of course no sleep. It was a crazy, insane, awesome birth experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I wanted to share my story because I was so extremely scared of delivery and my experience was so opposite from what I thought. And although I know not every delivery can be like mine, but there can and will be some like mine, and most importantly God will be with you every step of the way. Even when you're on your living room floor screaming at 2am , feeling like He forgot you. He's still there! Sometimes God steps back to make us realize we need to depend on Him more and that He is stronger than any pain we will go through. He is our savior and He will never leave you or forsake you! And in the end there will be the most wonderful gift He could ever give you.....

A Child.

Proverbs 31:28-29

Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”
Proverbs 31:28‭-‬29 NLT

Hi, Margaret here, or Mommy, as I'm still getting used to.  Yes, another mommy blogger (eye roll) I know.  But I think I'm here more for me than you, or is it the other way around? I'm here for a sounding board, a place to bring my fears, strengths, failures, complaints, praises and whatever's.  To have a place for clarity, outside my own brain and to share with other moms so we can see the plans God has for us in this crazy journey as Mom.
I guess I should start with who I am. Who I am... I'm...Margaret. I'm me, wife and mom. Newlywed almost 8 months and mother to a 2 month old.  If you're doing the math, then you already know I was pregnant before my husband and I got married, I know that may sound so "normal" now, but for me it wasn't. However I will say I knew the moment I met my husband that I was going to marry him. I may have done things a little out of order, but God still had a plan for us. So not only are we newlyweds, but also parents of a beautiful 2 month old boy.
I am also recently a stay at home mom. I was a nailtech at a salon but decided it was best for our family, to be home with our son. That doesn't mean I have any oppinion on working moms, it's just what was best for our family. I'm also breastfeeding and pumping, in fact pumping while blogging this morning. This breastfeeding journey has been tough but it's getting easier even though it gets in the way of trying to lose weight. I've lost all but 6lbs of baby weight without even trying, not bragging, just explaining how easy that part was for me, so I thought I could keep losing weight and now have realized it's not easy at all. And you must protect your milk supply so I'm also dealing with trying to let go of my weight loss dreams for now. That's a whole other mind game the devil plays with me.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, more than I knew I would, but it's harder than I thought I knew it would be, too. Everyday is filled with unexplainable joy and love, along with fear and tears. I mean I stress about things I never knew you could stress about, and yet I'm filled with joy over the tiniest new things my son does.  Then there's things like sleep deprivation, which is extremely real, incase you thought it wasn't, and raging hormones and your brain/Satan, whispering to you everyday how much you suck as a mom. Listen Linda 😆 there's lots of good that comes from being a mom, but let's face it, as mere humans we tend to focus on the bad. So let's stop that. Let's talk it out and refocus and then see what God has to say about it and us. Let's see God's plan for us as mom, because if we see ourselves through God's eyes, how much more will we see our children through Him as well.
So that's who I am right now, standing at the starting line, the Go square, waiting for God to roll the dice for my next move. Who are you, mom?