What's in mommy's bag?

I've been feeling so bogged down and stressed lately, I thought it would be nice to do a semi-fun post. 

So here's a picture of what's in my purse/mommy bag. I decided to do one bag for myself because it was too much to have a separate diaper bag for everyday use. I do sometimes want a slightly bigger bag but I am so partial to my star wars Disney backpack because of my son, Jedi, that I can't make myself change it yet haha! 

First up is the backpack. I got it in Disneyland just before my son was born. It was too cute not to get it. Our son is Jedidiah but he goes by Jedi, so you can see why I would need it! It's not super big but also not too small for everyday use. I also really love having a backpack so I'm handsfree for baby. 

The first big thing I have is our changing pad. It's the skip hop changing station, we received from my niece. I have just unzipped the diaper clutch part and folded it up to fit in my bag. It's great for changing anywhere on the go! And believe me I've changed my son on tables in restaurants because they didn't have tables in the restrooms! I can't believe how many places don't have them, but that's besides the point. 

Then I carry a ziplock of diapers and wipes, just keeps everything clean without having too much package bulk. We also carry extra ziplocks to the doctor because we aren't allowed to throw them away at our pediatricians office. We use hello hello products and love them! 

I always carry an extra outfit too just in case of blowouts or random pukes. Just whatever is clean at the moment, which in this pic happens to be his cowboys outfit, from one of his many aunt's! Whoo! 

I also have my date book for doctor's appointments and my checkbook just in case and of course my wallet and keys. And a foldup reusable bags for random shopping trips. A bag of random change and a dried up wet wipes, which I used to dry my tears the other day, when I couldn't find tissue. Haha! Don't act like you haven't done it! 

In my small pocket, I carry pens and highlighters for bible study. A booger sucker, which I never hardly need and an Altoids container with ibuprofen. Some lipsticks, cause hey I still want to be pretty! Some nipple cream just in case and the best thing, gas drops! Mylicon or any brand of gas drops are a life saver for our son. He had such problems in the beginning and these helped soooo much! Now we use em just a couple times a day and before bed. But if you are suffering from no sleep go try them! You can get them for $4 at Walmart! 

So that's a look into my mommy bag, any products you can't leave the house without? 

Psalm 139:14

For you formed my inward parts; 
 you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Psalm 139:14

Pregnancy can take you from one extreme to the next, with your body and the way you view your body. 

Personally I felt gorgeous my entire pregnancy until the last couple weeks. I know not everyone feels this way, but I had never felt so beautiful.

It's after pregnancy that I'm having trouble loving my body. 

I was on a roll right after delivery. I lost all my baby weight in 3 weeks tops. It just fell off. I did no special dieting, infact I was eating everything in sight and I was feeling pretty good. Then about 2 months in I started gaining again. It is pretty shocking since you always hear how breastfeeding helps you lose so much weight, but lately the opposite is true for me. It's so difficult to see the scale go so low, just to watch it go back up. It's also frustrating because lately it seems I'm starving at all hours of everyday. I can't seem to get enough, so I can only assume I'm not eating the right things to fill me up. So I've decided to try and rework my diet while still keeping up milk supply. Also it's time to get walking, it has just been so hot this summer and I've been so tired I haven't been able to push myself to excercise at all. 

All that is well and good but how do you learn to love yourself in the process? How do we look at the outer shell and see the woman inside? God says we are perfect. We are exactly as HE wanted us. Why can we not feel that acceptance? How do we stay grounded while we step into the truth? Let me know if you find the answer, I'm still working on it myself. 

I felt so wonderfully beautiful while big bellied and full of glow, but now all I see is the same chunky girl I was before with a new scar that hides under a numb piece of flab. When the pounds were shedding I thought that body was beautiful and strong for what it had overcome but now as the scale rises I'm that self conscious girl again. 

All we can do as mother's is look to God and the truth HE says of us! Look to our children and husband's and see ourselves through their eyes. My son looks at me with such great awe and I think it's a glimpse of how our Lord sees us. We need to love our bodies and give ourselves time to recover. It took 9 months to carry a baby, it won't take a mere 9 days to bounce back. The world tells us to be back up and running the next day but we need to look upon the Lord and let his love become our own for ourselves. 

Love YOU, Mama!

7-8 months pregnant

2 weeks post partum

Deuteronomy 31:6

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

8:16pm on a Friday, summer evening, our precious boy was born! 

It was a rough night, I had been sent home twice in the last few days, from the ER, as I wasn't progressing enough according to their standards. So Thursday night, around 1 am, we got home from a long brutal ER trip. No sympathy, and the on call Nurse Practitioner was no help whatsoever, so I sat in the living room of my apartment and yelled in distress for 7 hours. I tried baths and every position I could think of to stop the pain but nothing helped. I cried out to God I don't know how many times, and it felt like He had forgotten me. I prayed and begged for Him to save me. I'm a slight hypochondriac, so on top of already being super scared of delivery, it felt as though I was for sure going to die. Finally after checking the clock every 2 minutes or so, 7am came around. My poor husband had been listening and praying for me all night. I get weird when I'm hurting and having anxiety, I need to be alone to figure things out myself. He came out to help me call my doctor, she had said we would set up a scheduled C-section if nothing progressed more, so we were waiting to call her. We decided instead to go see her, so we went to the office and I waited in the car as my husband went to explain the situation. They called me from the car and told me to head straight in and get checked again, so we drove off to the hospital at 9am. 

We headed straight to the maternity triage and as I was trying to get changed into the hideous hospital gown, a contraction came on again. They had been 1-2 minutes apart all night. I know you're probably thinking I should've went back in earlier, but they were this close together when I was sent home too, so I didn't think anything of that. When I let out a yell for my contraction, 5 nurses ran to my side. They were all doing something different to and around me. My mind was racing when I heard the nurse say the most beautiful words, "You're at a 6 1/2."

And then the next most beautiful words "Would you like an epidural?"

Um YES PLEASE!

For those of you who don't like drugs or who wanted to give birth naturally, that's great for you and I'm happy you went by your own plan, so did I, so let's be respectful of each other.

They wheeled me into my room and within 20 minutes had my epidural and was feeling great. I had a great anesthesiologist and the best delivery nurse! I quickly went from the 6 to a 10 and was ready to push. It was such a great experience. I know that sounds weird, but my nurse tried lots of positions with me and was so sweet and calming. I wasn't scared at all, we basically just chilled and had crazy conversations, between pushes. My nurse did have to take a break to pump, as she had just had a baby herself a few months before. So I got 2 replacement nurses for a bit, which was not the greatest. One was learning and they kept talking and explaining things the whole time and at one point made me very nervous. They were talking about posterior something, which meant the baby was facing the wrong way in the womb. Facing out instead of the back. So I asked them if that was my baby and they acted as if they didn't know, but in that secretive way where you know they're talking about you.
I was feeling more nervous when my nurse returned and we still weren't seeing baby's head, after 4 hours. That's when the on call doctor came to tell me we needed to proceed with a c-section or the vacuum.  Well it took me by complete surprise, because I had never had major surgery and I had seen way too many movies of women dying on the table. I knew I had to do the c-section as the vacuum would've caused physical problems to both baby and I. I was so nervous and scared but my nurse helped calm me as she too had had a c-section and she showed me her scar, which looked quite good after only 7 months.

So they began prepping me for surgery and wheeled me into the O.R. The anesthesiologist explained the procedure to me and administered more drugs through my iv. The doctor walked in and said we were ready to start and I began to panic, since they hadn't let my husband back in the room yet. The anesthesiologist must have seen the look on my face because he quickly explained that the doctor had already tried a sharp instrument on me and I didn't respond, so they knew it was safe to begin. As the doctor began to cut, I felt my husband grab my hand, and I relaxed a little. I tried to calm myself but being awake during a c-section is soooooo weird and gross feeling. You can feel everything, not the pain, but all the cutting motions and the pulling. At one point when they were really pulling my son out, I felt like my lungs were going to collapse, but then it was over and I heard my son cry for the first time! The moment my ears heard him, I burst into tears. My heart instantly changed from one second to the next. When he was inside me, sure I loved him and I couldn't wait to be his mom, but the moment I heard him, that love grew even more as it all became so much realer. My heart was aching as I waited to see my boy. You don't get them right away during a c-section. They have to close you up and make sure baby is ok and they gave him to my husband til I could have him. We had to go to recovery for a couple hours before going to our room, and all the while our families were waiting to see us, before going home for the night. I was texting everyone from the recovery room and my mom said they were in the cafeteria eating dinner when they heard the nursery chimes go off for our son. We heard that chime many times during our 3 day hospital stay, and every time my heart burst with love remembering that same chime went off for our boy. While in recovery, I finally got to have my boy skin to skin and get him to latch for his first feeding! It was the greatest feeling to finally hold the boy who had been growing inside me for so long. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was and how amazing it felt to finally be a mom. My mom met us in the hallway on the way to our room as visiting hours were over, but we needed to see each other after having surgery. The next 3 days were a blur of nurses and medications and lots of visitors and precious time with our son and of course no sleep. It was a crazy, insane, awesome birth experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I wanted to share my story because I was so extremely scared of delivery and my experience was so opposite from what I thought. And although I know not every delivery can be like mine, but there can and will be some like mine, and most importantly God will be with you every step of the way. Even when you're on your living room floor screaming at 2am , feeling like He forgot you. He's still there! Sometimes God steps back to make us realize we need to depend on Him more and that He is stronger than any pain we will go through. He is our savior and He will never leave you or forsake you! And in the end there will be the most wonderful gift He could ever give you.....

A Child.